Just a 27 year old Female accepting the truth about being ugly while trying to live her life

I'm a 27 year old woman. I have never told this to anyone, that's why it's being posted from a throwaway account. It will be a little longer because I'm not sure how to even tell my story.

For those 27 years of mine, I've never once been called beautiful or pretty, only cute a few times. I've never had a boyfriend or an actual relationships with guys. I've never had close and meaningful relationships with other people growing up, even though I've always been described as someone who's kindhearted, friendly, positive, understanding...No matter how hard I tried, I could never achieve what I wanted, even the smallest things. I've always wondered what I did wrong, what can I improve...

Then one day, it just clicked. A few years ago I started looking at everything from a different perspective. I realised I am ugly. No other ways of saying that. I just am ugly. Even with makeup, the best clothes, nails...I can't even compare to girls my age even when they are without makeup in pyjamas with greasy hair. People around me always looked the other way when this topic would be discussed. My whole life I saw how my family looked at me, even when they wouldn't say a word because that would be disrespectful. I was at a wedding recently and I saw my cousins that I haven't seen since I was very young. Their first facial expression when seeing me says it all. In the best clothes with amazing jewellery, all they would say would be oh you're so grown up. But they would look repulsed by my appearance at the first glance.

I have been bullied in school. Only later I realised it was all because I was ugly, not because I was doing something wrong. Always being an outsider made me into an overthinker. So here I am. Finally accepting the truth. Also accepting the fact that there's literally nothing in this world that would fix me or make me beautiful. No amount of plastic surgery could make me even a solid 5 out of 10 because everything on my body is ugly and asymmetrical. Yes, we as people all have those days where we feel ugly, but the only difference is that I AM ugly.

Now the part where it's truly off my chest...I feel embarrassed even writing this. I've hooked up with a few guys in my life, but they couldn't get hard or even if they did, they wouldn't stay hard for more than a few minutes after looking at my face. Maybe the worst of all is that none of them could ever cum. They would just be done after a few horrifying minutes, then go straight to the shower and stay there for a long time. Only in positions where they couldn't see my face they would be okay, but as soon as we'd kiss or they'd look at me, they would get soft. It's a very weird thing to explain to other people. It's so embarrassing to admit this. If it happened once or twice okay whatever, but it was with a few different guys over the years, multiple times, so it's something to do with me. Again, it doesn't matter how cute my lingerie is, the amount of foreplay, nothing helps. So I've been celibate for around four years now, since these experiences have completely crushed my self-esteem issues that I already had.

I have never been approached by a guy in public. Not even once. In clubs, even the drunkest guys would turn me down if I approached them, let alone would they ever approach me. Nobody has ever bought me a drink or gave me a drink on the house. Nobody ever catcalled me or even at gas stations I would never get the worst comments from guys there. It's like I'm invisible. Obviously I don't want that, but being noticed in a positive way, would mean a lot to me.

I have always wanted a family. I realised earlier in life that I would never be able to have it, so throughout the years I convinced myself that I don't want to get married or to have kids, even though I do. I want it so much, but it's not achievable.

Some might say or think that I'm not ugly if I managed to get a guy in bed or to have kissed someone. Well, it took time for that. I always have to be polite, funny, charismatic or anything that has to do with my personality over dating apps, so that one out of one hundred guys would be interested. I can't just show up to a date and just sit there being pretty, because I'm not. I have to have everything most of the beautiful girls don't have to even think about. I have to have knowledge in so many things to keep a guy interested to stay and to not run away on the date. I have to know stuff about so many topics that both interest me and don't just to keep the conversation going. I've been stood up. I've been left alone on a date where a guy would go to the toilet and never came back. I've been blocked by guys immediately after the date if they are polite enough to stay for the whole date.

It's not just about guys, it's about everything in life. I lost count on how many times I was a perfect fit for some job, but they would always choose someone else, who's obviously prettier but less skilled. That goes for everything. In a subway, no one would stand up for me to sit down when I look exhausted. I can't leave the house without a full face off makeup on, because every time I would, people around me would ask me if I'm sick or not feeling well because of how I look. When I dressed casually for school let's say I showed up in sweatpants or a hoodie, I'd be kicked out of school for that day. But when other girls would dress like that, everyone would let them stay because oh well it happens to everyone to not have time to pick an outfit. Neighbours would never help me with anything, no matter how good I am to them when we see each other or how many times I've helped them. The only time someone actually does something for me is to return a favor they owe me after I've done something huge for them.

Like I said, I accepted it. I don't envy pretty girls, I admire them. If I were beautiful I'd also take advantage of my looks to achieve my goals. But still it's very hard to wake up every day and be faced with a reality check. I'm not looking for guy's acceptance or however all of this may sound. It's just getting very annoying living in this time where everything's about looks. I know there's nothing I can do. I can only work on my social skills, but even them I mastered throughout life because I had to, not because I wanted to. I wanted so many things in life, but only when I got older I realised I could never have them because they are tied up with looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so they say. But if people had to choose whether they'd want to wake up every day to objectively pretty or objectively ugly person, I think we all know the answer. Oh but someday someone will love me because of who I am as a person, they wouldn't care just about my looks. Yes, but nobody ever wanted to give me a real chance, nobody cared to get to know me on a deeper level, whether they are superficial or not, they see me as someone ugly and just don't want to look beyond that because they can find somone better, someone who's attractive, so why would they waste their time when they can find someone better. So all the amount of pity or comforting words I've heard, they don't make me feel better because it's not true.

Besides many things I listed here, there are so many more truly awful everyday examples. Also not to mention things that aren't related to being ugly, that keep knocking me down every day. But I guess I just have to continue living. Not how I want to, but only how society let's me. It sucks to be stuck like this. I hate myself sometimes. I hate what I see. No matter how confident I feel or pretend to be, I'm still ugly. And that is the truth. I hate that people avoid using the word ugly, like it's taboo or something. Not everyone is pretty. There are genuinely ugly people out there like me. I don't see it as a bad word, only a true word, so I don't feel offended by it.

Also, I have been on a reddit for a long time, so I'd kindly ask everyone who's read all of this to not send me messages asking for pictures or proof that I'm actually ugly or anyone who'd want to feel pity for me or let me vent even more, just don't. It was already hard enough for me to write all of this, I can't answer to those kinds of messages or even listen to all those body positive advice or whatever some people could think of saying. I want to post on here just once without any feedback or looking like I'm asking for attention because I'm not. I just want to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. So please redditors, spare me with those texts.

Thanks to everyone who took a few minutes to read my story, I appreciate being seen or head even if it's here. Hope you all have a wonderful day!