anxiety is ruining my life & i’m desperate

i’m really going to regret posting this and will probably delete it later because i’m so embarrassed, but i’m just so desperate right now and i just need to rant to anybody.

(probably tw for suicide and dpdr if anyone is triggered by that)

i feel like i’m completely losing control over my mental health. i’m in therapy right now and trying my hardest to get better, but my hardest just isn’t enough and it’s ruining my life.

i’m really freaking out right now. i’ve had air hunger for a few months now and i keep getting heart palpitations (i don’t know how to describe them but it kind of feels fluttery in my throat and chest if you understand) it goes on for a few minutes and then goes and comes back again, i’ve never had them like this and i’m just panicking.

i’ve missed my most important exams because of anxiety, dropped out of college, barely talk to my family, have no friends, and just stay in my room lonely and panicking all day just because of my anxiety. i don’t enjoy anything anymore.

i have ocd too and it makes me feel like such a terrible person that deserves all of this/ this is my punishment for something i’ve done.

i don’t feel like any of this is real anymore - early 2021 i had really bad derealisation/ depersonalisation for MONTHS. i’m so scared that i’m falling back into that again. i feel like this is all just a dream/ nightmare i’m having.

i don’t want to deal with this anymore but i’m even too anxious to commit suicide, the thought of it distresses me so much but in a way comforts me too because i know it’s always there as a last resort. my suicidal thoughts are mostly passive but i feel them getting more and more ‘real’ and the thought of that triggers my anxiety so badly. like i don’t want to die but i don’t want to have this anymore.

i want to try meds to see if they help me at all but i’m too anxious to try them incase i get side effects or if i get worse and decide to od on them

i’m so lonely and i have nobody to talk to about this who cares. i don’t even know what i’m anxious about i want it all to stop, id do anything to make this just go away. i’ve tried so hard and it’s so frustrating because all people tell me to do is try harder when i cant.

(edit: thanks for the replies, they’re all really helpful)